


Redefine Happiness

by verucasalt123



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Grief/Mourning, M/M, Mercy Killing, No Sex, Reapers, Songfic, Suicide, thoughts about Hell
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-30
Updated: 2013-03-30
Packaged: 2017-12-06 23:01:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,028
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/741175
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/verucasalt123/pseuds/verucasalt123
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean would have liked to think he'd never give up, but that's just not true anymore.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Redefine Happiness

[](http://verucasalt123.livejournal.com/pics/catalog/318/38019) _Seasons don't fear the reaper_

I never thought it would happen – the day that I’d walk away knowing he wasn’t coming back. My brother was gone, lost, never coming back from the place where he was being constantly tortured behind closed eyes. I’d taken him away from Bobby’s place after a while, unable to stand the unconcealed grief in his eyes any longer. I promised him I’d take care of Sam, and I figured Bobby probably knew what I meant, but he let me take him anyway, crying and resigned, defeated like I’d never seen before in all the years I’d known him. 

 

There was a cabin the woods where we’d hunkered down before, and I was relieved to see it still abandoned. Sam didn’t stir as I carried him inside, lying him down on the bare mattress that lay on the floor in the one room at the front of the place. I didn’t even attempt to hold back the tears that flowed from my eyes even as I knew what I was going to do. 

 

I’d lost too much. There wasn’t a goddamn thing useful left of me now anyway. 

 

_Came the last night of sadness_

 

Cas…Castiel was my anchor, my lover, the one I’d trusted with everything, the way I had with Sam, but more intimately. We’d given each other everything. Everysinglefuckingthing. 

 

And then he’d betrayed me. He’d locked my precious baby brother into a permanent state of psychological torture from which I was sure, now, after all this time, he would not emerge. 

 

Maybe I’d betrayed Cas, too. I could have done as he asked. There was so little that he asked me for, I could have given that to him, but my pride wouldn’t let me. My unrelenting conviction that I was _right_ and he was _wrong_ . My hubris had lost me everything I’d ever loved.

 

And now he was gone. No more Cas. No more Sammy. And that meant only one thing – no more Dean. I was lost, gone, stripped. Not an ounce of strength left in me, not even a hint of fight inside my mind or body. 

 

For a few moments, I laid my head on Sam’s chest, hearing his heart stutter uncontrollably, watching his eyelids flinch with whatever Lucifer and Michael were doing in his brain. It wasn’t right. As much as it ripped me to shreds, I couldn’t leave Sam like this. At this point, I was sobbing outright, no one there to see it, no point in trying to cover it up. 

 

“I’m so sorry, Sam. This is the last thing I can give you. Peace. I’m taking you away from them, they won’t ever be able to hurt you again. You can,” I choked on the words before I got them out, “you can find Mom and Dad. You can find Jess. It’s all going to be okay.” 

 

_All our times have come, here but now they're gone_

 

Wishing more than anything that I could promise to join him, I didn’t, because I knew I was going back to hell. You didn’t do something like this and end up with a ticket to the pearly gates, that was for damn sure. Just for a moment, I reflected on our trip to Heaven before, the exultant look in his young eyes as he jumped around in the glow of the fireworks. 

 

I spent a little time cleaning and perfecting Sam’s favorite weapon, his Taurus that he’d held on to all these years. Then I moved back over, pressed a light kiss to his temple, and said “Goodbye, Sammy. I love you”, and placed the barrel under his chin before I pulled the trigger. 

 

The blood and tissue didn’t bother me so much because all I saw was that his eyes were still. After all this time, seeing his lids dart and clench for so many months, they’d stopped. Please, fuck, please, let this mean he’s out of there, I thought. It wasn’t a prayer, because there was nothing left to pray to. 

 

_Then the door was open and the wind appeared, the candles blew then disappeared_

 

Gathering my courage and my last thoughts for a few moments, I sat with my hand in Sam’s, wondering what awaited me when he or she came to cross me over, back into Hell. Didn’t really matter now. I’d been in hell on earth since Sam had closed his eyes for the last time so long ago, since I’d seen Castiel (or whatever the fuck he’d been at the time) disappear under the water, desperate to go after him but knowing it was useless. 

 

I took a few shaky breaths as I sat in the rickety wooden chair next to the mattress where Sam was lying dead, hopefully already having moved into the wonder of his own Heaven, even if it was something that didn’t include me. I didn’t have nearly as easy a plan for myself. The Taurus was placed back into my bag, and I pulled out my knife, that special one that I’d been given as a gift on my thirteenth birthday. I’d sharpened it with dedication before I’d left Bobby’s house, knowing its final purpose. 

 

The first cut, deep and vertical up my left forearm, hurt so much more than I thought. That made it much more difficult to move on to the second one. I was already lightheaded before I’d managed to grip the Bowie into my left hand, and that was when I saw it.

 

The reaper. But it wasn’t Tessa. It wasn’t a faceless thing that looked like a ghoul. It was…Jesus, it was Castiel. He didn’t speak or move. He just smiled, waiting. 

 

_The curtains flew then he appeared...saying don't be afraid, come on baby_

 

I managed to pull enough strength from my left hand to cut just as deeply into my right forearm, a long, painful slice that took away what little breath I had. 

 

My vision started to fade around the edges but I could still see him, Castiel, my own personal escort to the afterlife.

 

_Together in eternity_

 

Maybe I wasn’t going back to Hell after all.


End file.
